Me and My Goldfish Love Cranial Osteopathy
by checkyesjuliett
Summary: I tried holding my lips together but that didn’t work and I broke down in uncontrollable giggles. “I..you, Edward are you wearing eyeliner?”
1. edward, the goldfish and me

**Me and my gold fish love cranial osteopathy****-by checkyesjuliett**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series or any of the characters, nor will I ever.**

I woke up and was startled by the proximity of Edwards face, blurry as it was in my morning haze. "Gah" I gasped, "human minuet". I raced through my morning routine and went downstairs to my awaiting breakfast. "Is there anything you can't do" I asked through mouthfuls of the best waffles I've ever tasted. "I can't blush like you can" he replied watching me eat with a bemused expression. "What would you like to do today".

Hmmm, in truth I'd like to squander my time idly, preferably kissing him, but I haven't seen any of my future family in a while. "Can we go to your house, I miss Emmet" yeah and his total inability to comprehend sarcasm. "Sure".

"Bella!" Alice squealed bouncing pixie like down the stairs "we have so much to do we need to…" Emmet butted in "actually Bella can you come shopping with me?" Huh, did that just happen I looked to Edwards who was glaring at Alice, as a mischievous smile spread across her face.

Later. "I still don't get why you need me with you" I whined, the jeep came to an abrupt halt throwing me forward in my seat. Ouch that's gunna hurt in the morning. "How else are you going to pick out your new fish?" he looked hurt. And it all became clear, as mud. Edward had been conspiring against me to get me to have human experiences.

I stopped to look at the array of bunnies on display before shaking my head; it was upsetting enough being incapable of looking after a fish let alone killing a rabbit. Emmet looked hopeful but I continued onto the aquariums.

I stared at the fish, willing one of them to volunteer to be my next victim, I sighed. Eventually I just picked a normal goldfish about the size of my little finger. Emmet insisted we got it a bowl and loads of fancy toys; it's a goldfish for crying out loud!

Emmet dropped me off at the house and went off, probably to plot his next prank, or the downfall of the government, sometimes it's hard to tell with Emmet. "See ya later 'kay" "adios mi amigo" he replied in a somber tone.

I placed my goldfish, newly christened bob, on my beside table. Edwards raised an eyebrow looking skeptical "a goldfish?" I could understand his reasoning, id already admitted to killing three in quick succession. " I know, I didn't want to upset Emmet".

I traced the purple patches under his black eyes with my fingers, "let me go shower okay". I left him staring intently into bobs bulging eyes.

When my pulse had returned to halfway normal, I went back to my room, to find Edwards still looking at the goldfish bowl, honestly vampires. "Do you think I need to feed him"? I asked, I knew nothing about fish. " I uh…well…"he shifted on his feet and looked at the floor ,uh oh.

I tapped the side of bobs bowl, he didn't appear, not good. "Can you begin by being open minded?" Edward pleaded; I stared at him in disbelief. "Bella, I cannot tell a lie, I ate your goldfish".


	2. bellas hidden talent

**A/N: sorry it took me so long to get this up, updates may be few and far between this week as, for lack of a better word, my mother has borrowed my laptop. In fact i am up at an ungodly hour to bring this next chapter to you!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever.**

The next day we were sitting in his car. It was almost twilight and he was going to relinquish me to Alice's evil pixie grasp. If he were any normal person I would loathe him, but I defy anyone to hate someone with those gorgeous eyes mmmmm.

He was undeniably gorgeous, he was my own personal angel sent to look after me. I was always aware of how humiliatingly plain i looked standing next to him, but that would all change after my wedding…

"What are we going to do that requires me to pretend to be on a sleepover"? I asked hopefully, stupid vampire morals, "Actually I was hoping I could make it up to you for last night (obviously revering to the incident which shall not me mentioned with my former goldfish, bob) by letting me take you clubbing".

"Edward" I whined, "Bella with me there to catch you what's there to worry about"? he looked my in the eyes. Holy crow how did he do that, I couldn't even remember my own name let alone a single one of my pathetic excuses.

"Alice, ughh is it necessary for me to be dressed like a stripper"? "you'll thank me for it later, trust me" right trust the evil pixie brandishing curling tongs. After queuing for ages we reached the burly looking bouncer, once upon a time he would have scared me but he had nothing on Emmet!

"Excuse me mam, can I see your i.d please" Alice stared up at him "I'm terribly sorry but I seem to have forgotten them, do you think you make the exception just this once"? While pulling the patented puppy dog face, a lesser mans knees would have buckled at her heart broken expression.

"stay" Alice commanded, depositing me on a bar stool,"but where's Edward" I clutched at straws, but she was gone already weaving through the writhing mass of dancers. And in the glare of the flashing lights I soon lost sight of her tiny frame.

"Here honey, this ones on the house" the bartender smiled handing me a pint glass filled with stripes of fruit juice. "Thanks" I said gratefully. I took a sip, it was sweet, syrupy and warmed my throat. Yummy.

Halfway through the glass I was giggling at everything the bartender, Chris, said. He was hysterical! Uh oh that wasn't fruit juice in that glass. Dammit where was Alice? She must have known this was going to happen, my soon to be sister was nearly omniscient, good for nothing vampire.

I started to get up but a blinding light stopped me, no good. Any accident prone klutz will tell you it's not good to be in the spotlight. "And now introducing our first karaoke, Edward Cullen, singing a song by coldplay called the scientist"

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you, tell you I need you,

Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,

Oh lets go back to the start.

Running in circles, Comin' up Tails

Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,

It's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin' at numbers and figures,

Pulling your puzzles apart.

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles, Chasin' up Tails

Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy,

Oh it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start.

His beautiful voice resonated through the awed club, he was so wonderful, I closed my eyes contented, I was so lucky. I giggled, I knew how to get him back, as he passed me with a confused expression I giggled and sashayed up to the mike.

"And dedicated to my angel, Edward I'm going to sing you vampires will never hurt you by my chemical romance" i bubbled.

And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground

And if they get me take this spike to my heart and

And if they get me and the sun goes down

And if they get me take this spike and

You put the spike in my heart

And if the sun comes up will it tear the skin right off our bones

And then as razor sharp white teeth rip out our necks I saw you there

Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church

Where they can pump this venom gaping hole

And you must keep your soul like a secret in your throat

And if they come and get me

You put the spike in my heart

And if they get me and the sun goes down

And if they get me take this spike and

Chorus

Can you take this spike?

Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless

Night time sky

Can you take this spike?

Will it wash away this jet black feeling?

And now the nightclub set the stage for this they come in pairs she said

We'll shoot back holy water like cheap whiskey they're always there

Someone get me to the doctor, and someone call the nurse

And someone buy me roses, and someone burned the church

We're hanging out with corpses, and driving in this hearse

And someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul

Chorus

Can you take this spike?

Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless

Night time sky

Can you take this spike?

Will it wash away this jet black now?

And as these days watch over time, and as these days watch over time

And as these days watch over us tonight

x2

I'll never let them, I'll never let them

I'll never let them hurt you not tonight

I'll never let them, I can't forget them

I'll never let them hurt you, I promise

Struck down, before our prime

Before, you got off the floor

Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?

Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?

(And these thoughts of endless night

Bring us back into the light

And this venom from my heart)

Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?

(And these thoughts of endless night

Bring us back into the light

Kill this venom from my heart)

Can you stake me before the sun goes down?

(And as always, innocent like roller coasters.

Fatality is like ghosts in snow and you have no idea what you're up against

Because I've seen what they look like.

Becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws going cascading...)

I bowed to my applause and jumped into Edwards arms. "Care to dance fair lady"? He asked struggling to suppress a grin, "why I would love to sir, knight" oh he was so breathtaking. I stood on his feet and we were flying, whirling in endless circles in perfect time to the music.

"Edward" I gasped, and the last thing I remember was running to the bathroom trying not to throw up.

The red light shone through my closed eyelids, arghh my throat, is this what bloodlust felt like? "water" I croaked but my angel was already there holding the cool liquid to my parched lips, ahhh.

The pressure in my head receded a little and I wrenched open my eyes, arrrrrrrhhhhhhh! I remembered last night and groaned, knowing what I was thinking he said "don't worry you make a rather adorable drunk" he smirked. Sometimes I wondered if he just pretended he couldn't read my mind.


	3. a new look

Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series or any of the characters, nor will I ever

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series or any of the characters, nor will I ever.**

Edwards carried me downstairs and Emmet came up behind me. "Bella, I made you breakfast"! Great, if it didn't kill me from food poisoning. "You didn't have to do that Emmet". "I know but I wanted to" his enthusiasm was hard to resist he's like a big kid. "don't worry" he added"Esme helped" it couldn't be that bad then.

Edward put me done on the chair and I laughed to see Emmet's culinary feat before me, a bowl of cornflakes! At least I didn't have to worry about getting sick.

"so buddy, I heard about your little escapade with bob" Emmet jibed at edwards. Edwards looked down shamefaced, I've told him not to worry about it but I was sure if it was within his physical capabilities to blush he would be redder than me now.

Edward looked up at Emmet and whacked him a loud crack echoed through the house like a thunder storm. Emmet flew across the room still laughing.

When I had finished my cereal and sent my compliments to the chef. Edward took me upstairs again; I was looking through his wall of CDs to find something I wanted to listen through. I eventually found ELOs greatest hits but Edward had to get it down for me. Mr. Blue sky always cheers me up and soon Edward and I were signing along, I turned bright res when Alice burst in to my warbling , "don't you ever knock I" grumbled, "nope I ruins all the fun she2 said without missing a beat.

I pitied jasper, Alice was so excited, I didn't need special powers to feel it emanating off her, I was even starting to bounce on the balls of my feet! "Bella" she pleaded "I need you to come with me" just as rose appeared at the door smiling "come on we've got to go, Emmet lent us his jeep, more boot space".

Rose scooped me up and we flew downstairs, buckling me in the massive car. I though Edward was a bad driver, but it took Rose all of 20 minuets to get us to Port Angeles and they still wouldn't explain, this could only mean one thing, shopping.

They dragged me around a corner, saving me at least twice from pebbles that were conspiring against me, we came to a stop outside a hair dressers, "what are we doing here" I panicked. Rose looked at Alice "okay explain" my kidnapper told her.

"well every ten years or so me and Alice go through complete makeovers, it has to be completely different from everything we've ever tried before, we've all been hippies, Goths and girly girls before but we anted to try out punk!" she exclaimed. Huh?

We went in, me still in a confused daze, Alice exchanged words and I couldn't see but I suspected a credit card with the hairdresser. "Bella close your eyes and don't open them until I say so" she commanded.

"Can I open them yet?" "No" "now?" "No" "now?" "Yes" "really?" "No" damm the evil pixie!

I gave up waiting and opened my eyes, Alice had a suspiciously smug expression and I wasn't ecstatic about roses smirk either.

"Wow" I gasped my hair was now a raven black and hung in layers to my shoulders; I had a long fringe and red streaks! Normally I would have tried (and failed) to throttle Alice, but I looked so cool!

Now shopping, uggh, luckily with Alice I didn't have to try anything on so that limited the number of mirrors I managed to smash. But I still felt bad about the amount of money being spent on me.

Alice pilled about 50 different t-shirts with slogans, stripes and cartoons on them and about 20 pairs of skinny jeans, a long black lacy skirt, a red halter neck dress and a tartan mini and my favourite purchase and bunch of stripy socks on the counter.

"Rose can you take care of this" she nodded to the mountain of stuff obscuring the cashier. "I need to get some stuff for Edward" hmmm something to watch out for.

She bounced off and rose handed over the piece of gold plastic with the dangerous word 'unlimited' on. "Don't tell me how much, just charge it" she dazzled him with a devastating smile. "Sure I, uh" he fumbled, blushing.

"Now come on we need to get perfume and makeup and underwear and shoes" she ushered me put of the store.

3 shops and many bags later (her vampire strength really came in handy) I really thought we had bonded; well she laughed at my failure to carry more than 5 bags, which was something right? Right?

"I can't go in there, its awkward" and downright humiliating. "Of course you can" dragging me in the dreaded Victorias' Secret. "Now what size are you?" ummmm mmuh" I mumbled "sorry what was that" "32 b" I sighed, and she pilled hundreds of embarrassing pieces of lace, silk and cotton into my now red arms.

She flashed her card and her smile and we were free. We dumped the bags in the large boot and sat and waited for Alice to grace us with her presence. Soo… lovely weather we're having isn't it? I asked myself. "Well that was fun wasn't it?" damm how did she know I was bored, did I say that aloud?

"Bella, you seem really uncomfortable around me, and that's probably my fault but I want us to be friends, your almost my sister and I don't want to cause a family rift okay?" she smiled "truce?" "Truce" I replied with a smile of my own.

When we got home Alice insisted we play Bella Barbie, she curled the red streaks in my hair and spent ages perfecting the Smokey eyes look. Alice dressed me in a pair of

Black skinny jeans, converse and a long sleeved stripy t-shirt with a little velvet waistcoat. I had to admit I looked good.

"Now stay here" this must mean Alice was plotzing again, evil pixie of doom that she was. "dammit Alice I'm not coming out" I heard Edward roar. "But…Bella…" Alice whined, uh oh.

I stepped out of the door and was greeted by Edward staggering own the hall, Alice pulling him along by the ear. Oh my god we matched1 "Edward" I sang stepping forward to hug him, mmm he smelled do good. His lips briefly brushed past mine, mm marshmallow. I looked up at him.

I tried holding my lips together but that didn't work and I broke down in uncontrollable giggles. "I..you, Edward are you wearing eyeliner?"


	4. goodbye my truck

**A/n: hey big thanks to all my reader, especially those who review (hint, hint). Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up but I was suffering from serious writers block and a chronic lack of a computer!**** For those of you are wondering why I always use roses pet name its because I cant spell rosealie! Or cant be bothered.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever.**

The next day I woke up to Edwards face, I'm going to be with him for eternity and I swear I'm never going to get used to his perfection, or stop turning to mush at his gaze.

He carried me downstairs to some delicious pancakes and a suspicious looking crack in the ceiling, "sorry I got a little carried away with the flipping" he explained. Yummy, dammit was there nothing he couldn't do?

"Can we go to the meadow today"? I wanted to see him in the sun again, my own personal rainbow. "Sure" he scooped me up and buckled me into the passenger seat. I loved my red truck it suited me, although Edwards despised it for its speed limitations.

"Uh, oh" Edwards muttered at my trucks failure to start, "try again, sometimes it doesn't always start first time" he looked at me in disbelief.

Fifteen minuets later we were still in the driveway. "Bella, face it its not going to start" I sighed, will you take a look at it for me?" "I don't think..." he cut off mid sentence at my forlorn expression. He grumbled to himself as he got out of the cab, I couldn't ask my usual mechanic, we were now in the uncomfortable 'mortal enemies' stage and it felt manipulative.

"I see the problem" "what" the engine has fallen apart", "well can you fix it?" I was still hopeful. "Love I'm sorry" "don't worry I guess I already knew that".

It was very suspicious that the very truck all the Cullen's hated had broken down but Edward wouldn't do that to me would he? "You know what this means, don't you?" he asked. "erm I need to start saving". "Bella you are unbelievable, your not going to let me get you a new car?" "Nope" it would feel like I was betraying Jake, cars were always his thing.

"But you know how much I like buying you presents?" he dazzled, how can I resist those beautiful eyes I felt like I was drowning in them. "Fine" I huffed, thank you Bella, ill call rose" "why" she knows the most about cars, Ughh things was still a little uncomfortable.

Later that day:

"So what sort of car are you looking for Bella?" rose asked. "Erm, something that looks nice but not to flashy" "hmmm what about this" she showed me a picture of a small sports car with a convertible roof. It was gorgeous, it had a curved roof and was fairly small, "its perfect, but does it come with a roof, rose laughed, "yes and tinted windows" good I said glancing at Edward as he chuckled at me.

"So what is it then" now it was roses turn to be exasperated. "It's an audit tt, really Bella you should know this, it has a 3.2 quatro engine and a concert audio system" she lectured, she continued with the technical jargon for another five minuets before she realised my eyes had glazed over.

"What colour do you want it" hmmm finally something I could understand. "Err blue", I asked hopefully. I knew nothing about cars, rose nodded and a picture of a metallic sky blue car appeared on the screen. "That's great thanks"

Two weeks later:

"Hey Bella, I'm done with your car", rose called. "Want to take it for a test drive?" Edward asked. "Sure".

Id been in my new car for at least half an hour and I still hadn't got used to it, I was so used to jamming my feet on the pedals that my new car kept speeding forward and lurching to abrupt halts every few meters.

Edward laughed at my failure to control the car. "Stupid shiny Volvo owner" I finally voiced aloud "absurd new Audi owner" he chuckled.


	5. do your worst

Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever.**

"Yay, Bella nice driving" Emmet jumped out at me, way to give me a heart attack. "I got us a movie" "great I'll get Bella some popcorn" Esme bustled off into the kitchen. I sat on the sofa snuggling into Edward. Unfortunately this scene reminded me too much of last year, watching Romeo and Juliet. I just hopped Emmet hadn't picked Shakespeare. Mind you that didn't seem likely it was more likely to be superman or something. Edward growled when the title screen showed, and I blushed but Emmet pressed play anyway.

"Hah, the forty year old virgin huh, try 107 year old virgin!" he laughed. There was a loud banging noise and Edward was suddenly off the sofa and Emmet was on the other side of the room. Huh?

I gasped as Emmet flashed his menacing grin at me, he wouldn't would he? He would I thought as he leapt across the room right at me. I closed my eyes but to my surprise I was barley jostled. I opened them and shrieked as I realised Emmet was holding me in the air, about to throw me up, I could feel my lunch coming up for an encore. "No, Emmet what the hell are you doing?" I screamed. Edward took a step forward but stopped when Emmet threatened "one false move and Bella here gets it" Emmet said in a cheesy gangster voice. "Any last words Bella?! Emmet asked, "Yes…you've…got big…ears" I gasped. Emmet looked surprised and dropped me putting his hands to his ears, hah serves him right I thought as Edward caught me.

"Get him" I whispered in my angel's ear. Edward placed me on the sofa and leapt on Emmett's back. "Well Emmet where are the endless heroic clichés? Aren't you going to look me in the eye and tell me to do my worst?" "actually, I was going to ask you to go easy on me, I'm feeling kind of tender today" "this is your one chance, apologize and I might let you go." "Okay" "really" "nope, only joking do your worst buddy."


	6. the egging of mike

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever.**

**(The next day at school)**

"Hey mike, will you be my P.E. partner today?" I asked, he was the only one in our group good enough to cover two positions at once. "no, Bella why doesn't your precious Edward move into our class and protect you from your clumsy self?" what's up with him I wondered as he stormed off, PMT?

I suffered through P.E with an unfortunate partner who I managed to trip over at least three times. When I was done changing I rushed out to find Edward waiting for me, we were walking to my Audi when mike pushed past grumbling to himself. Edward growled quietly, Newton's starting to get on my nerves.

Alice bounded up behind us"this calls for revenge", she muttered, Edward chuckled, probably at her thoughts although her tiny face scrunched up in concentration was quite comical. I'll call Charlie she looked at Edward, he nodded, permission? "Yay" Alice screamed flipping back her phone "you can come straight to ours for a sleepover" great.

When we arrived at the Cullen's (in a matter of minuets, I don't know what rose did, but my new car sure was fast). When we got inside we found the rest of my future family plotting around the dining table. "….And in conclusion, I think we should keep it simple and egg his house!" Emmet said. "Good idea, ill get the eggs" Esme said going off to raid the fridge. "ill fetch the black clothes" alice pranced off. "STOP" yelled Carlisle "what did the poor boy do to deserve this?" Edward quickly recounted my story and his face became thunderous. "The nerve" he roared and went off to get changed.

We were all in black, not a challenge for me and my new wardrobe, we must have looked pretty menacing, a bunch of vampires dressed in black, brandishing eggs. We all ran over to mikes house, well I got piggybacked, but still.

"Ready, aim, fire" I shrieked. All at once 8 eggs splatted on the front off the house exploding dramatically, they were going to be hell to clean up. "And again" Emmet yelled, but he must have thrown his a little hard because a window smashed and the tinkling of glass must have woken up mike because his face appeared at the window. He looked bleary eyed and confused. But realisation dawned as 7 eggs hit him in the face in quick succession. "Huh?" he looked around. "Is that you Cullen" he yelled.

Uh oh, I hope these converses Alice got me are fast because it sounded like mike was coming down. "Retreat" Edward yelled scooping me up and running into the bushes. "actually I prefer advancing in reverse" the tactical genius Jasper replied.


	7. halloween with the cullens

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever.**

**A/n: I'm sorry but this will be my last post in a whilesob I'm off to Iceland for 2 weeks so I'll try to make this chapter a long one lol! By the way time may not make an awful lot of sense in this story; it has absolutely no plotline whatsoever, its really just random ideas.**

I officially loved my new family, with Carlisle and Esme as our alibis no one believed mike when he said he saw us egging his house, especially as he claimed we had 'flown' into the bushes.

When I fell asleep that night I had a strange dream I was with alice and she was trying to get me into a penguin suit for Halloween, was this a sign, Halloween was today what fiendish plans had she come up with? 

When I opened my eyes, Edward was staring at me trying to suppress his laughter "no, not the penguin suit?" he questioned, "don't ask" I mumbled into his shirt. Edward scooped me up and we ran down the stairs to my awaiting bowl of cereal. Now, you'd better get dressed quickly, I believe Alice had great and terrible plans for us.

We sped towards his house signing along to some cheesy old songs and when we got to the front door I was shocked. I had expected some form of decoration, but not this much. The house was draped in orange and black streamers and hundreds of paper bats hung from the trees.

"Bella" Alice opened the door before we were even on the first step. "Come upstairs, I have your outfits already, Edward yours is on your bed". Carlisle and Esme were anxiously waiting in the hall. I laughed to see there costumes they were dressed as the Adams family, they looked almost exactly like the people from the movie, barring their topaz eyes. "Do you think we have enough candy?" Esme asked, "We've never done this before" wait never had trick or treaters before, they're over 100, and how can they not have ever celebrated Halloween? "er sure" enough for about three herds of elephants we sweet tooth's. I swiped a few of the lollies from the hanging baskets of sweets on my way up the stairs.

Alice had great fun dressing us all up, I was belle from beauty and the beast and she lent me a gorgeous blue dress, rose was aurora from sleeping beauty in a stunning pink dress and Alice was Tinkerbelle, complete with wings and a daringly short green dress. We went downstairs to see what the others were wearing.

I found everyone gathered in the living room, I giggled when I saw Emmet and jasper. "Yeah, I still don't get why jasper got to be batman when I'm only a stupid sidekick." Alice explained slowly as if to a child "because, you make a great robbing and jasper is sooo cute in black".

Edward made me jump when he came in, his eyes facing the floor. He wore orange tights and a yellow tunic, I was also surprised to see him sporting a pair of sparkly wings, and Alice must have used some serious blackmail to get him into those. I laughed as he scooped me into his arms, he made a lovely Cornelius. Come to think of it why had I never seen the resemblance before? They even had the same hair!

A few hours later and jasper was still winning the bet. They jumped out at the unsuspecting trick or treaters seeing who could scare the most people away. I guess batman jumping off a roof behind you was scarier than a guy pretending to be robin answering the door with a growl.

Eventually when the piles of candy people had dropped grew almost to Alice height she sent them to their rooms, threatening them with embarrassing photos of them in their costumes. When the hall emptied of all but one of the real monsters inhabiting forks that night. Edward lent down to kiss me; even wearing garish orange tights he was still so sexy. Mmm.

The door creaked open and I hear two high pitched squeals, as Edward and I whirled round we were greeted by the sight of mike and Jessica's fleeing backs, I eyed the new piles of candy on the floor. "Go Bella!" I heard Emmet shout. I smiled at Edward. "Apparently the sight of their dream dates making out dressed as fictional characters scared them off" I joked, "um, about the fictional" oh my Carlisle.

"You mean to say, you are the fairy prince Cornelius?" I was incredulous. "well ages ago alice got caught running and she came up with some stupid excuse about how she was a fairy and there was a fairy royal family with a prince who looked conspicuously like me, the story must have spread and now I'm famous, Emmet still hasn't let that one go?" who would have thought someone like me would be marrying into the fairy royal family?


	8. me,my duck and i

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever. **

**A/n: sorry for not updating for so long! I was away most of the summer and I've had a serious case of writer block. sorry i didnt know what car jasper had so i thought he could just use the motorcycle.**

i awoke to the dulcet tone of my alarm clock, ugh i rolled over. thump, i fell onto the cold, hard flor, i could already feel the bruises. where the hell was edward? i looked out of the window puzled, where could he be? the pewter grey clouds looked ominous but werent raining yet. silvery mist rose up out of the ground engulfiny our small patio, but i still couldnt see edwards distinctive shock of bronze hair.

i got dressed in the clothes alice had thoughtfully left out for me, a not was pinned to them 'wear them' just in case i had never encountered clothes before.

i walked downstairs to hunt for my breakfast, i wasnt sure if our kitchen was fully stocked with iritable grizzlies but i intended to do my best. i poured myself a bowl of cereal and was pondering what the scheldule for today was, alice must be running out of crazy schemes sometime soo. right?

"morning bella" i heard a voice behing me and jumped up. it was jasper crouching on the flor his coal eyes glinting meancingly, my heart sped up.

was he going to attack me? i was frozen where i stood with shock, jasper stood up and i felt myself take a step back as he took a step towards me, i flinched. 2hey bella is this your earing"? holy crow i felt like a complete fish, he was just picking up an earin, like jasper would ever attack me. "what were you so scared of"? he asked confuddled, his head whipped round to fast for me to see "theres no one here but me and you", i saw the realiseation dawn across his stone face. "oh bella im so sorry, i didnt mean to sneak up on you!"

"its okay i just didnt hear you coming" "and you never will, kung foo shuffle, hach-ah-ya" he screamed as he brought the side of his hand down on the table splitting the wood in two. "er you might want to replace that " i sighed, at least he had the decency to look guilty, " sorry bella i got caught up in the moment, ninjas you know"? i shrugged and he ran a hand through his blonde hair looking sheepish.

"well moving swiftly on, what are we doing today?" "omg bella i cant believe you just said that! call yourself a forkian? its the annual rubber duck race down the river!" er right annual duck race and when had i ever called myself a forkian?, why wasnt i informed. "so wheres edward?" "i think he went hunting, he should have his phone on him, but he told me earlier that i should tell you he loves you and he will be cheering for your rubber duck" he grinned as i smacked him bruising my hand "and alice is buying you a rubber duck i believe" he shook his head in disbelief.

i pulled on one of the many new jackets alice had left out for me and ran out to jasper who had his silver motorbike running. soon the wind was roring past my face and my hair whipped round my head. when we stopped my checks were flushed with the cold, "thanks jasper" i jumped off running towards alices tiny bobbing head. "just make sure you win, okay, i have a lot of money riding on you and your duck."

when i reached alice throught the excited crowd, she was twittering on about my 'designer duck', i just nodded like i knew what the hell she was on about, something about the lengths she went to to find a designer rubber duck, thats the stupidist thing ive ever heard. i took my position by the side of the almost frozen river and waited for the race to start, my breath was very conspicuos, haning just in front of may face. but maybe alices lack of frozen breath was even more conspicuous, but she didnt seem to notice. she was too absorbed in her bouncing up and down. "i can wait, its so anoying i can see whats going to happen..." she trailed off frowning.

"oh look its starting" she bubbled. i held my breath in awe as a fleet of rubber ducks swam there way through the mist. it had to be one of those sights youd see, then wake up and go round telling everyone what a weird dream you had.but then again i spent most of my time hanging out with werewolves and vampires so what did i know.

i began to get a little suspicious of the game being rigged when mike and jessicas ducks sunk almost imediately. and even more suspicious when my duck sped ahead, almost like someone was pulling it along but no one was quick enough to get past the judges or could hold their breath that long ,right?

not suprisingly my duck finished first. and jasper looked pleased, well untill emmet whacked him on the side of his head. "no fair, alice tell him it doesnt count, that huge white koi carp was carrying it along, did you see it bella?" "yeah sure, the one wearing hawiian shorts right?" emmet fumed "yeah well my rubber duckie could cream your rubber dukies ass any day of the week!". while alice backed away "no please bella anything but that", "no i mean it this time alice no bella barbie for at least a week!" i wasn't that mad but any excuse to get out of a makeover was fine by me. irritable grizzlys would have nothing on me when edward got back from wherever he was.

* * *

**later that evening:**

i was curled up on the cullens sofa watching the marshmallow dissolve slowly in my hot chocolate "say, alice where do you think the duck will end up?" "well lets just say a hermit off the coast of australia will be praising god for all his new found tiny little friends in a few hours time" i giggled.


	9. oh sir jasper

Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever.****12**

**Yesterday morning (flashback):**

I sat watching the people move across the big plasma screen TV. Emmet had muted the volume so I could hear his pleading "please Bella; you owe me one after the duck race!" he was trying to get his revenge on jasper and had enlisted roses and my help. "All you have to do is sing a little guides song!" reluctantly I agreed not realising what I had done until it was too late to back out.

**Present day:**

Which is exactly how I came to be serenading jasper and (under roses command) wearing incredibly a short skirts and low cut tops. I looked like a brunette clone of daisy duke, but rose managed to look like a model, like usual. I hated Emmet and his puppy dog eyes.

"Oh sir jasper do not touch me

Oh sir jasper do not touch me

Oh sir jasper do not touch me

_As she lay between the lily white sheets with nothing on at all_

Oh sir jasper do not touch

Oh sir jasper do not touch

Oh sir jasper do not touch

_As she lay between the lily white sheets with nothing on at all_

Oh sir jasper do not

Oh sir jasper do not

Oh sir jasper do not

_As she lay between the lily white sheets with nothing on at all_

Oh sir jasper do

Oh sir jasper do

Oh sir jasper do

_As she lay between the lily white sheets with nothing on at all_

Oh sir jasper

Oh sir jasper

Oh sir jasper

_As she lay between the lily white sheets with nothing on at all_

Oh sir

Oh sir

Oh sir

_As she lay between the lily white sheets with nothing on at all_

Oh

Oh

Oh

**A/n: this is actually a girguiding camp song I was taught it on my trip to Iceland!**

I could feel the blush creeping across my face and as soon as the song finished I ran downstairs as fast as I could without killing myself to Edward. I wouldn't have done it without him, he convinced me jasper would recognise his song immediately and wouldn't get the wrong impression. He also told me jasper would only try to get revenge on Emmet. Hahaha two birds with one stone, Emmet will think twice (or at least once) before betting on me again!

1 Apart from in my dreams

2 Mhawhahaha, I have discovered the awesome power of footnotes!!


	10. the summer of love

The summer of love, by checkyesjuliett

**The summer of love****, by checkyesjuliett.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series or any of the characters, nor will I ever.**

Ughh. I had been staring at the blank page that was my trig homework for what seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minuets dammit stupid teachers, sometimes Edwards offers to bribe the teachers were more than tempting. It was due in tomorrow and I was all out of excuses not to do it, I had already done my English and biology homework this morning. I could feel eyes drooping and my brain screaming for rest so I called it a day, well morning.

The fact Edward was away hunting didn't help my anxiousness, I'm sure he could have done it in under five minuets, stupid shiny Volvo owner. I found myself pacing in Esmes oversized, overstocked kitchen and decided I deserved a snack, worrying burns calories right? Yummm, cereal. Damm, I knew exactly where it was, in one of the many cupboards out of my reach; maybe Emmet could get it for me. Thinking about it now he'd been oddly quiet? Maybe I should go check on him.

"Emmet" I called, knowing he could hear me. "In the garden Bella" his voice sounded frustrated? I went out to the porch and couldn't help but laugh. The sight of the massive Emmet dressed in a long wig, rose tinted glasses and what was probably one of Rosealies flowery tunics was like a bag cartoon. The pile of crushed daisies that formed a foot high wall around his crossed legs only added to the affect.

When I could breathe normally I said "Emmet what the hell are you doing" "well I can explain" "I bet you can" he looked slightly sheepish. "Well, I, uh, I sorta miss the sixties, everyone was so happy. But I can't make a daisy chain I keep crushing them" he looked so sad I had to help, I sat down in the long grass and sent him of to collect daises , soon all the daises from the lawn were in a pile in front of me that blocked my view.

The sun was setting before the pile was vastly reduced and Emmet was covered in daisies. I was embarrassed by the loud gurgle my stomach decided to make, traitor. I was having fun despite Edwards's absence, who knew all the embarrassing things he'd done. I didn't view him as the type to loose a hot do eating contest and throw it up In the girls restroom by mistake, I'm never gunna let that one go.


	11. a day in the life of edward

Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight series, nor will I ever****. (Not that I don't intend to try)!**

**A/n: I do tend to get my ideas mainly from my friends, but I have been known to use phrases from my favourite books, in this case film! Hand up if you know where it's from, you get an invisible star! Lucky you.**

**Edwards point of view:**

It was dawn and the sun was just rising, only just visible to my eyes beneath the clouds. I silently got up and kissed Bella on the cheek she rolled over and mumbled my name softly, she was so warm but I had to leave. I don't know why I had agreed to go fishing with Charlie; Alice kept blocking her mind from me so I knew I should be worried but I thought it would make things easier for Bella if we got along.

_Huh how can he be up so early and still __looking so damm good? I can see why Bella likes him, I wonder if he's any good at fishing. _Charlie blearily thought. We walked to his cruiser in silence the rain was deafenin_g _and the only other thing I could hear were Charlie's, still confused thoughts._ Huh, that's odd I could swear he hasn't breathed in the past 5 minutes? _I made a great show of breathing in, well hunching and relaxing my shoulders.

The car journey there was filled with an uncomfortable silence and for once in my life I was at loss for what to say, with Carlisle the only father I have ever known I could speak to him about anything but Charlie's mind was a new one to me. We got into the small boat and drifted off into the glassy lake.

We cast out our lines and sat and watched, and watched, and watched. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably, "so Charlie how long have you been fishing?" "shhh, you'll scare them away" _not that he's not already doing that, it seems like they can hear him or something, three hours and not a single bite, he must have done something. _Great I've unintentionally ruined Charlie's favourite hobby for him, I had forgotten that most animals avoided us as much as possible.

I cast out my line again, this time farther away form the boat. I managed to clip the back of my head on the way forward _ouch that must have hurt _Charlie thought laughing, "ouch" I added half-heartedly.

An hour later we were still there "I can't take this anymore" I screamed in frustration I stood up rocking the boat in frustration, ignoring Charlie's astonished thoughts. I leaned over the edge staring into the water that was insanely clear to my eyes, sending the boat rocking dangerously. Charlie put a restraining hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off it couldn't take this anymore. I reached into the water and grabbed the tail of a particularly large fish that caught my eye and as fast as humanly possible lifted it out if the water.

As we rowed back, Charlie's thoughts were too confused for me to make out much but im pretty sure I caught a few _well_ _I'll be dammed_'s.


	12. fearless?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight saga, nor will I ever.**

**A/n: sorry I haven't updated in so long, my laptop died. And by the way, I've been using ideas from some of my favourite books the bibliophiles among you will have noticed references to skulduggery pleasant and more recently Stephanie plum. **

Edward and I were down the stairs talking about our upcoming wedding when Emmet fell of the ceiling at our feet, apparently he'd been clinging to the ceiling, easy for spiderman not so easy for vampires. As there were finger holes in the otherwise immaculate cream ceiling.

"Boo"! Emmet roared, but I just stepped around him smiling at his idiocy and shocked expression. "But how?" "I'm fearless" I replied smugly. Alice bounded up to us, her hand outstretched. "When will I learn it's futile to bet against you?" "In about two months" she replied, counting the wad of money Emmet deposited in her palm.

We all got into the Volvo and Edward started driving. And Alice leaned forward and asked "so why didn't Emmet scare you"? I used my previous reply but Edward let back his head and laughed! "No you're not but you can bluff with the best of them love" he managed to get out between his peals of bell like laughter; I shuffled down in my seat embarrassed. "What gave it away" "the way your heartbeat was similar to someone in cardiac arrest, was pretty conspicuous, I was on the verge of doing CPR on you".

We were almost there when I groaned "ugh we have to hand in our english essays", I was up most of the night typing the dam thing, my printer packed up and I had to sleepover in 'Alice's room' to get it finished. "Crap I forgot" exclaimed the pixie claiming to be Alice sitting next to me. "You forgot how that is possible you have perfect memory"? "Luckily I came prepared" she brandished milk bottle at me.

I got though the day in a haze, i was bored out of my mind, the only break came when the bell rang for lunch and Alice, Edward and i sat inn the volvo, listening to the radio and plotting. when we went into english me and alie took our usual seats and got out our books.

I smoothed out my english essay, it was about ten pages thick and even though i never wanted to hear another vampire myth again, i was fairly pleased with what i had written. Alice got out her books but just sat there looking smug. Mrs. jones rushed around the room in a whirl collecting sheets of paper from everyones desk. She had a reputation for being mean about punishments, and rumour had it she'd reduced someone to tears the other day, but Alice didnt look concerned.

When she came to Alice, Alice made a show of looking round her bag, her head boobed up and she pulled the patented 'poor pixie' look and said apolegeticly "i'm sorry miss, i must have left it in the fridge" as she produced a bottle of milk. Did they even have a fridge?

But to my suprise Mrs. jones glared at her for a little while, picked up the milk and carried on with her tryrade. I dont know how Alice did it but the cullens perfect record will live to amaze another day.


End file.
